So I'm watching the Transformers the other day; the cartoon, not the movie, and by the way, everybody who complains about how commercialized the movie was compared to the cartoon, shut the hell up. You're talking out of your ass. "Dude, what the fuck is up with the Mountain Dew robot and the Motorola robot? They're fucking packaging and selling my childhood." Motherfucker, what do you think your childhood arrived in? A package that was sold to you. Do you really think the Transformers were created because Hasbro wanted to tell soul-searching, thought-provoking stories about robots that turn into cars and planes? They wanted to sell you some toys, dipshit-- start to finish. To be a sell-out, you have to be an artist or someone or something with integrity first. You can't be a sell-out when your entire existence is predicated on making a profit from the very beginning.
Transformers. Dude says, "I'm going to give the good robots a cool-sounding name like, 'The Autobots.' Yeah, that's good, that's good, that'll catch on, no problem. But what do I call their enemies, the EVIL robots? I need a really menacing sounding name. I've got it! 'The Decepticons.' Awesome. That sounds REALLY evil. I'm going to go jerk off and shoot some heroin."
I imagine that was more or less the creator's thought process, but it raised an interesting question in my mind. Deception is evil (well mostly, anyway) which makes "Decepticon" a reasonable name for an evil robot, but what if the creator had chosen a different sin, crime or morally evil concept for the bad robots to be named after?
I did a little digging and managed to unearth some of the pitches for the "evil robot names" that didn't make the cut.
- The Terrortrons
- The Arsonbots
- The Petty Thefticons
- The Shopliftoids
- The Carjacktitrons
- The Grand Theft Autobots
- The Domestic Abusinators
- The Frat Haze-itrons
- The Sadisticons
- The Rape-o-matics
- The "Please-Daddy-I'll-Never-Do-It-Again"-an
- The Tax Evasionoids
- The Fraudobots
That's all I've got. Join us next time when we replace Bill's penis with a portable USB jump-drive and see which computer viruses are compatible with human physiology. It will be a fascinating process, I'm sure.