For The Week Of
October 7th - October 13th
With any luck, the rescue team will be able extract your head from under the house by wednesday.
One of the spam e-mails you will get this week will be genuine and honest. Good luck figuring out which one.
This week, you will be killed. On the bright side, the cause will get you in the Guiness Book Of World Records.
If you're not nice to that one guy at your office, chances are you'll know what a paper cut to the genitals will feel like by Friday evening.
Beware of molten lava this week.
Don't sleep this week. The position of the planets indicates that for one hour late at night some day this week, you will get that superpower you've always wanted.
Give it up; she's a guy.
Above all, remember this for Thursday: "If you don't look it in the eyes, it won't kill you."
That monster that used to live under your bed is coming back to town this week. Take him out to lunch.
If you're in prison, you're going to be ass-raped this week. If you're not in prison, you'll be going to prison this week.
"The Water Carrier"
It's very likely that no one will find out about the massive fart you're going to blow on Tuesday.
If possible, avoid stapling post-it notes to people's faces this week.