Cock Jockey Studios' Journal|
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|Saturday, July 5th, 2008|
It literally took me all night (It is 7:40 at the time of this writing and I began around 1:40) but I finished the first draft of the layout of the new site. Hopefully, this will make Bill's job much simpler. I guess we'll see. I will try to meet up with him on thursday if such a day is good for him.
|Friday, February 15th, 2008|
For The Week Of
February 17th - 23rd
Remember: The door on the left
has candy; the door on the right
Don't trust that new toaster.Gemini
You're never going to beat God Of War. Give it up, go play something else.Cancer
There's going to come a moment on Tuesday night -- right after she grips the pillows, the phone will ring. Pull out then.Leo
Your choice on Wednesday, seemingly innocent, will determine whether you end up owning a Fortune 500 business -- or scraping up elephant poop in a zoo for the rest of your life.Libra
According to the alignment of Jupiter, it isn't in the same place it was. Also, make sure that you wake up at some point after going to sleep every
time this week.Scorpio
Quit your bitching. Anal sex is a part of any healthy relationship.Sagittarius
You're going to jail this week anyway; go ahead and get it all out of your system.Capricorn
There's like, a 50/50 chance you'll die this week. But don't let it stress you out or you'll miss out on something great.Aquarius
This is your age.Pisces
Don't do it; you'll regret it later.
|Thursday, November 15th, 2007|
So I'm watching the Transformers the other day; the cartoon, not the movie, and by the way, everybody who complains about how commercialized the movie was compared to the cartoon, shut the hell up. You're talking out of your ass. "Dude, what the fuck is up with the Mountain Dew robot and the Motorola robot? They're fucking packaging and selling my childhood." Motherfucker, what do you think your childhood arrived in? A package that was sold to you. Do you really think the Transformers were created because Hasbro wanted to tell soul-searching, thought-provoking stories about robots that turn into cars and planes? They wanted to sell you some toys, dipshit-- start to finish. To be a sell-out, you have to be an artist or someone or something with integrity first. You can't be a sell-out when your entire existence is predicated on making a profit from the very beginning.
Transformers. Dude says, "I'm going to give the good robots a cool-sounding name like, 'The Autobots.' Yeah, that's good, that's good, that'll catch on, no problem. But what do I call their enemies, the EVIL robots? I need a really menacing sounding name. I've got it! 'The Decepticons.' Awesome. That sounds REALLY evil. I'm going to go jerk off and shoot some heroin."
I imagine that was more or less the creator's thought process, but it raised an interesting question in my mind. Deception is evil (well mostly, anyway) which makes "Decepticon" a reasonable name for an evil robot, but what if the creator had chosen a different sin, crime or morally evil concept for the bad robots to be named after?
I did a little digging and managed to unearth some of the pitches for the "evil robot names" that didn't make the cut.
- The Terrortrons
- The Arsonbots
- The Petty Thefticons
- The Shopliftoids
- The Carjacktitrons
- The Grand Theft Autobots
- The Domestic Abusinators
- The Frat Haze-itrons
- The Sadisticons
- The Rape-o-matics
- The "Please-Daddy-I'll-Never-Do-It-Again"-anoids
- The Tax Evasionoids
- The Fraudobots
That's all I've got. Join us next time when we replace Bill's penis with a portable USB jump-drive and see which computer viruses are compatible with human physiology. It will be a fascinating process, I'm sure.
|Monday, November 12th, 2007|
Tomorrow's Naughty Words
Hey everyone. You know, I was sitting around today-- which is a perfectly normal pastime for the average American to engage in anywhere from 12 to 18 hours a day-- and I was thinking about what makes America great.
"Well," I thought to myself, "all this sitting around we get to do sure isn't bad." Until I fell out of my chair whilst chuckling at my own joke, after which I decided that sitting around might be a tad overrated.
So then I was standing in a corner, surrounded by a variety of thick pillows, and I resumed my previous train of thought. In my opinion, what makes America great is the incredible variety of activities, inventions and innovations that we pop into the world on a daily basis, like so many unwanted children born out of wedlock. Granted, many of our inventions and innovations take up just as much space and are frequently as irritating as unwanted children (or even wanted children for that matter) but the difference is that all of those Myspace surveys, YouTube videos and Facebook applications are good for a laugh at least once during the span of their existence.
But what is the greatest vein of innovation in America? Is it the constant search for new people/things/animals to prank/blow up/have sex with? Is it our search for new ways to create exciting combinations of the above nouns and verbs?
"Nay," I say with a slightly pretentious air about me. I mean, seriously, I could have just said "No" or "Nah." I'm such a prick sometimes.
I believe the single most amazing field of creativity in America is that of communication; that is, "to make talk with words and sounds." Who has better slang than Americans? Who even HAS slang besides Americans? Nobody, that's who. In any other language besides American, if you were to tell someone that you were going to "put a cap in their ass," they would have to assume that your intent was to insert a hat or the top of a soda bottle inside their rectums. They would have no idea that your intent was actually to shoot them, presumably in an attempt to kill them. After watching a bad movie in France you could not simply say to your fellow Frenchman, "That shit sucked." The gentleman would believe that you were trying to explain that somewhere nearby, there was a piece of feces that created a vaccuum, having no idea as to how you reacted to the movie.
Take rap music for example. Where besides America could successful rappers exist? Nowhere, that's where. What other language could possibly spawn a lyrical gemstone such as,
"Watch out for the medallion, my diamonds are reckless
Feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace."
No other language, that's what other language. And do you think that they have "leet" or "1337" in other countries? Christ, I hope not. My point is, the American language is a shining pinnacle in creating turns of phrase. Specifically, no one knows how to swear quite like an American. After all, we do quite a bit of swearing, so we strive to do it well, and to create a variety of swear words and phrases. It is with that spirit that I am proud to present the first of many (or maybe this will be the only time) updates for Cock Jockey Studios' newest segment:
"Tomorrow's Naughty Words" in which I, Beef Ox, will be presenting you with new and wonderful ways to curse or to express your distaste with something. Without further ado:
1. Rim. Verb.
A. The act of licking another person's anus.
B. Expression of distaste for something, I.E: "This rims," "That rimmed," "This is going to rim," or "Dude, you rim"
These are just a few examples of the newest and most awesomest way to say something is bad. I mean, weren't we all getting a little tired of saying, "that sucks," or "that blows" anyway? I mean sucking and blowing are pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as rimming. I mean, unless you'd RATHER lick someone's ass than have a cock in your mouth. I know I'd take a cock in my mouth over ass licking any day.
2. Dicktits. Noun.
A. Breasts that have penises in the center instead of nipples.
B. A person who has breasts that have penises in the center instead of nipples.
To call someone "dicktits" will essentially be one of the worst insults you can offer to a person. After all, what kind of complete fucking lunatic would ever want to associate/sleep/coexist with someone who had penises where their nipples should be? No complete fucking lunatic, that's what complete fucking lunatic.
3. Shit Roll - Verb
A. To expose a person or group of persons to something unpleasant through means of trickery and deception. To "bait and switch" in a most unpleasant fashion. -Noun
A. A piece or exhibit that is in poor taste or quality, disguised as something desirable.
With the Rick Rolling phenomenon having entered the Cyberspace Hall of Fame, Shit Rolling is only around the corner. The phrase, not the practice. Years past have seen the appearance of many a Shit Roll: Snakes on a Plane, the Mind of Mencia show, and of course, Panera's Portabello and Mozzerella panini, which is advertised as a delicious sandwich comprised of hot, melting mozzerella and sauteed mushrooms, but is actually 6 ounces of shit pressed between two pieces of bread.
I hope this has been educational and entertaining. I know it's always a little scary to try new things, but you're guaranteed to be the coolest kid on your block if you're the first one to spout something like,
"Did you see 'Across the Universe?' It totally rimmed. Gotta hand it to the dicktits who put the trailer together, they totally shit roll'd me."
- Beef Ox
|Sunday, October 7th, 2007|
For The Week Of
October 7th - October 13th
With any luck, the rescue team will be able extract your head from under the house by wednesday.Taurus"The Bull"
One of the spam e-mails you will get this week will be genuine and honest. Good luck figuring out which one.Gemini"The Twins"
This week, you will be killed. On the bright side, the cause will get you in the Guiness Book Of World Records.Cancer"The Crab"
If you're not nice to that one guy at your office, chances are you'll know what a paper cut to the genitals will feel like by Friday evening.Leo"The Lion"
Beware of molten lava this week.Virgo"The Virgin"
Don't sleep this week. The position of the planets indicates that for one hour late at night some day this week, you will get that superpower you've always wanted.Libra"The Scales"
Give it up; she's a guy.Scorpio
Above all, remember this for Thursday: "If you don't look it in the eyes, it won't kill you."Sagittarius"The Archer"
That monster that used to live under your bed is coming back to town this week. Take him out to lunch.Capricorn"The Goat"
If you're in prison, you're going to be ass-raped this week. If you're not in prison, you'll be going to prison this week.Aquarius"The Water Carrier"
It's very likely that no one will find out about the massive fart you're going to blow on Tuesday.Pisces"The Fish"
If possible, avoid stapling post-it notes to people's faces this week.
|Monday, August 20th, 2007|
Teaching you shit you probably didn't need to know since... right the fuck now.
1. The "Wrath Of God" card found in the Magic: The Gathering strategic card game. Fine, I play wog.
2. A statement of exuberance. Wog wog wog!
3. Anything designed to decisively win or destroy an opponent. I gotta use my wog.
1. To vigorously but briefly celebrate the completion of something. After beating the game, he wogged.
2. Synonym for "Fap." Wog wog wog.
3. To utterly destroy or obliterate something. He wogged the shit out of 'em.
1. A close friend or someone with whom the speaker shares a close bond. That's his pig.
2. A statement of greeting. HEY PIG!
1. Synonym for "Kevin Horan." Hey, Fuckball!
2. Someone who is batshit fucking crazy. That girl's one wierd-ass fuckball.
1. A member of the "Hudchud" tribe of savages, native to suburban areas. Ah, shit -- it's the Hudchuds.
2. Someone lacking in intelligence. He's a fucking hudchud.
Whammy The Shit Out Of It ("wamm-ee thu shitt owt uv itt")
1. To pull the whammy-bar control on a Guitar Hero controller rapidly. Whammy the SHIT out of it!
2. To have rough sex. Whammy the SHIT out of it!
The Thing With The Lights... And Then We Go ("thu thing with thu lites annd thenn wee goh")
1. Anything mechanical or technological that the speaker does not understand. You know... the thing with the lights... and then we go.
All right, it's my turn to explain why we've been slacking mo-fo's. So sit down, shut up, and listen.
Kevin just returned from a trip to Tibet, where he spent several days in deep contemplative meditation and several more days killing shit with a sword. Our only contact with him has been letters written on the severed heads of chinamen, but at least he's been Fed-Ex'ing them so they'll get to us still fresh. Hell, one was even still screaming. So now we've got some great decorations for the den, and Kevin's become a ninja master. You know, in a week.
Brian graduated from college, graduate school, the marine corps, and adult film school simultaneously, and has been working very hard to find a job and a place to live. When I talked to him last, he was in the middle of shooting his first film, wherein he'll be going by the name "Mister Doctor Major Balls." No word yet on the title of the movie, but he sends his love and we wish him all the best and a speedy return. And plenty of voluminous loads.
Bill's been busy with his superhero alter-ego, [name omitted for security reasons]. You may have read about him in the papers on Thursday -- he foiled Carrot Top's plans to destroy New York using an army of giant "Carrot Bots," and then killed Carrot Top with AIDS. He then had sex with Maria Sharapova while hovering fifty feet over Times Square. According to eyewitnesses, he was receiving thunderous applause from all onlookers.
As for me, I've been hunting zombies in Africa, South America, and France, to prevent a worldwide zombie apocalypse.
I'm sure posting will resume soon enough, and we'll be making with the funny again. But until then, shut your filthy sewers. We're fucking busy.
|Sunday, August 5th, 2007|
|Thursday, August 2nd, 2007|
I coming with news of the otherside of the country! Errr... it's hot as fuck, the drinks don't come cheap, and Elvis had a stepbrother named David Stanley! Actual Update tomorrow, till then, good night.
|Wednesday, August 1st, 2007|
No Updates?! WTF!
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying... all two of you who read this page... WHERE THE FUK ARE UR UPDATES, GAIZ?!
The truth is that over the course of the past weekend, the Cock Jockeys got together and formulated 15,000 hilarious updates, which we were going to start posting at regular intervals every 60 seconds beginning today. Unfortunately one of those Internet wormholes opened a rift in cyberspace and cybertime, sucking every last one of our updates (and Bill's left testicle) into oblivion.
A memorial service will be held on Friday morning for our fallen updates.
A separate memorial service will be held on Friday evening for Bill's fallen testicle.
I'm lying. Bill's testicles never fell.
Alright, seriously, Kevin's been busy in California trying to get us some financial and artistic support. Bill's been working. I've been trying to graduate. Jamie's been turning tricks on King Street. We're busy.
Also, I can't do any Cock Jockey News updates because my internet is down. My RETARDED ASS ROOMMATE left for three weeks on a road trip, and will not answer his phone. Our Internet connection hub thing, whatever, is in his room, which is locked. I'm going to call Clearwire today to make sure that the internet was paid before he left, because if it wasn't, it's just a simple matter of paying the bill and getting my Internet turned back on. If it's a technical problem from inside Ben's room, I'm fucked. Thanks, ass. I'm posting this from the school's computer lab.
Once we get all this bullcrappery squared away, I propose that we all start getting together (maybe on weekends) to do the week's updates and then just post them at regular intervals.
|Thursday, July 26th, 2007|
I've been refining the art style a bit more... So here's another "test strip" for the CJS comic.
|Wednesday, July 25th, 2007|
How Could You Have Known This Shit? Fear Not! That's What I'm Here For.
Little-Known Fact #1111:
Incidentally, Spider-Man also does whatever a certified public accountant can.
Little-Known Fact #2222:
Justin Timberlake brought “sexy” back. He plans to also bring back “gassy” and “indolent.”
Little-Known Fact #3333:
Different groups of Transformers are able to assume the form of different things; for example, the Autobots and the Decepticons can transform into cars and airplanes, respectively. Likewise, the Republicans and the Democrats can transform into chili cheese fries and smelly, tattered tee-shirts, respectively.
Little-Known Fact #4444:
No matter how good one’s milkshake is, it is physically impossible to bring ALL of the boys to one’s yard.
Little-Known Fact #5555:
The original version of the urban legend, “The Woman, the Dog and the Peanut Butter” centered around an ex-marine and her dog attempting to put and end to The Great Jif-Skippy War which resulted in the deaths of 280,000 Americans who were buried in a landslide of strawberry preserves.
Little-Known Fact #6666:
Over-baked brownies make a surprisingly sturdy stand-in for concrete.
Little-Known Fact #7777:
When Peter Cetera of Chicago sings, “You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration,” he is referring to his Lando Calrissian and Boba Fett action figures.
|Monday, July 23rd, 2007|
First off, my apologies for the lack of posts.
Some of you may know that fellow jockey Kevin Horan was invited to go out to California for a venture capital convention. Although we here at CJS only had two days' warning (he left Sunday and his mom -- who invited him -- told him on Thursday), we managed to get some basic information for him and he's out there even as I type, promoting us and making contacts for future projects. Or drinkin' and whorin'. Either way.
In any case, I've volunteered to be the "on-call" guy, to supply information and whatever Old Stumpers needs while he's goin' back to Cali -- so I'll be lax on posts for the next week, until he gets back. Then expect posting to return to as normal a schedule as it's ever really been.
And -- so this isn't a wasted post...
|Sunday, July 22nd, 2007|
Wow, you know how to CRAM, Bitch!
|Friday, July 20th, 2007|
I'm in your ocean, stealing your CLAMS
I'm in your town, looking for a date,
Son of SAM, BITCH!
START A WEBCAM, BITCH!
Christ, you are so pretty.